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The
Man in the Mirror - Continued
In the spring
of 1977, I completed my tour of active military duty
and returned to my hometown. A few months later, I received
a letter from my gay friends—the “married”
couple in Hawaii. They told me that their marriage was
over, and that they had turned away from a homosexual
lifestyle and identity. They were now Christians. They
said that the teachings of the gay church were not true,
but that I could find the truth for myself in the Bible.
They closed by saying they were praying for me. I had
never heard anything like this before. What traitors!
I thought.
My own journey out of homosexuality
first began with my attempt at securing male love by
becoming a woman through a sex change. Though I did
not get around to ever having the surgery. I was on
hormone therapy and lived as a woman
for about a year and a half. Yet, even then I realized
that surgery couldn’t really solve my problems
and wouldn’t secure love for me. Realizing that
I hadn’t managed my life very well on my own, I
finally began sincerely seeking after God. I turned
to the Bible, knowing I’d find the answer there.
“Come now, and let us
reason together,” say’s the Lord. "Though
your sins are as scarlet, they will be as white as snow"
(Isaiah 1:18). As I read this scripture, I broke. Bitterness,
guilt and shame for the lost years of my life poured
out as I wept at the foot of my bed.
I admitted my failure and guilt
before God as I cried out to Him, “God, I cannot
change what I am, but I’m willing to be changed.
I know you have the power. Make me the man you want
me to be!”
To be pleasing to God, to be
loved and not rejected by Him—that
was all I wanted. As I prayed and gave my life into
His hands, the “old
man” died and the “new me” was born (see
2 Cor. 5:17).
What had happened to me? I wasn’t
sure, but I felt good. Peaceful. Clean. Forgiven. And
confident that God would be with me now to help me begin
living a decidedly different life.
It was my re-ignited faith in
God that led me down a new path I once thought impossible
for me. It wasn’t that I was trying to stop being
gay. I didn’t know how—or if it was even possible.
I was, however, willing to stop living my’ life
on my terms. Instead I yielded to God on His terms.
The date was January 1980.
At the time, my gay friends
thought I was crazy’. They said I’d be back
in the bars in a week, a month, a year. I never went
back. But it wasn’t
easy. I did have a Lot of struggles in the beginning,
but like most worthwhile efforts, perseverance paid
off.
At first it was awkward, uncomfortable
and sometimes exhilarating to relearn appropriate and
pure ways of relating to men. But as healthy relationships
with men were established in my life, residual homosexual
yearnings began dissolving. I didn’t need homosexuality
anymore. I could get what I wanted and needed without
it.
My recovery process took time
and work, plus the encouragement and accountability
of supportive friends. More importantly, my recovery
depended on my willingness to cooperate with God. Today
I very much enjoy the opportunity to live beyond my
past problems. I find deep satisfaction in being a husband
and a father—roles I never thought that I would
experience.
Over the years in my ministry
travels, everyone I’ve met who has overcome homosexuality
has been enabled to do so as a direct consequence of
a life yielded to God. Though I’ll never live my
life as if I had never been homosexual, I am able to
live beyond having been homosexual.
Being my own toughest critic,
I sometimes have difficulty seeing the changes God has
brought about in my life. I may never live up to society’s
unrealistic standard of manliness. But I live by a different
set of values now—I look to Jesus. He is my example,
my ultimate goal, and the object of my desire.
In the past 15 years, I have
had the unique opportunity to travel around the world
and minister to the sexually broken. I have met many
hundreds (if not thousands) of men and women who have
overcome various sexual disorders. Many more are “in
the process of recovery,” a phrase I believe accurately
describes God’s ongoing triumph in the lives of
those reconciled to Him. As someone has said, “God
gets glory out of the process—not just the end
result.” Becoming a Christian is just the beginning
of the process!
One evening years ago while
I was preparing for bed, the Lord spoke to my heart.
“Look in the mirror and tell Me what you see.”
I looked for a moment and said, “I see a new creation.”
“Yes.” He said, “but
look again."
I studied myself in the mirror
again and then said, “I see a child of the King.
a servant of Jesus, and beauty from the ashes of my
old life.” Yet I knew these weren’t the answers
He was looking for. What was the Lord trying to show
me? I looked in the mirror again.
“What do you see, My son?”
At last I understood. “I
see that the man, the man in the mirror—is me.”
Sy’s testimony has been
featured in scores of magazines, newspapers, TV
and radio shows on six continents. He has been involved
in Exodus since 1981 and is a member of the international
Exodus board. He is also the founder of Choices, an
Exodus ministry in Singapore.
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