Just Like My Mother?
- continued from previous page
Life
in my twenties continued in the same pattern.
I would enter relationships, be the loving, giving
person they expected for a while, and then one
day they would do something to hurt me.
Suddenly they would find themselves face-to-face
with a fire-breathing dragon who had no fear of
death. I thought I had to remain tough in order
to survive, but there was also a softer side of
me that I was afraid to show to anyone other than
my son Durksen.
Several years later, on a trip back to Pittsburgh,
Jakii confronted her mother about the years of
neglect and abuse during her childhood.
I demanded to know why she chose to leave
me alone with a young child to raise while she
partied with her friends and lovers. Also, I insisted
on knowing if she ever loved us and why she had
always put her lovers and their families before
her own children. She delivered no answers.
I told her I was doing just fine considering the
fact that I was a mental wreck now, thanks to
all the years of abuse I had suffered while living
with her. "My main problem, thanks to you,
is I don't know how to love anyone at all!"
It was like talking to a wall. I left her house
that day without any additional insights, but
I felt about two thousand pounds lighter.
After becoming a Christian, Jakii would never
really be free until she bad forgiven her mother.
I had been praying in my bedroom and was asking
Lord to teach me to love Him. I felt directed
to look up 1 John 4:20 where Jesus was asking
His followers how they could say they loved Him
and still hate their brother. After I read the
verse a few times I said, "Lord, I don't
hate my brothers."
His reply in the Spirit was, "No, you hate
the lady who brought you into this world. You
cannot hate her and honestly think you can love
Me."
I was floored! I asked God to forgive me, then
immediately I picked up the phone and called Dorothy.
I asked her to forgive me for hating her and being
angry with her for so many years. This time I
didn't 't bring up her shortcomings. Whether Dorothy
had been right or wrong, I had no right to judge
her and keep her imprisoned. I asked her to forgive
me for presuming to judge her lifestyle. I meant
every word that I said from the bottom of my heart.
When I let Dorothy off the hook by not being her
judge, I was also helping myself out of bondage
and into freedom. I was discovering my walk with
Jesus was going to be a real adventure. With each
new step came the pain of revelation about myself,
but then came the joy, hope and healing.
God has a special place in His heart for those
who have suffered as I have. I'm now confident
that I will always be my Heavenly Father's little
princess, and because of His great love for us,
He will continue to heal and ultimately shape
all of us into His image as long as we invite
Him into our lives. To God be the glory!
Adapted
from LIKE MOTHER, LIKE DAUGHTER? by Jakii Edwards
(Xiilon Press/Exodus Publishing, 2001). Copyright
©2001 Jakii Edwards.
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