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What is "Ex-Gay"?

1. "Gay" means I had a powerful physical attraction to men and had sexual relations with them. Having these feelings as far back as I could remember, I had concluded God made me gay.

2. "Ex" means I have seen this entire struggle in a different light - the TRUTH as revealed by Jesus. In seeing the roots of my homosexual feelings, I realized I was not born gay. In that revelation, and in receiving the love Jesus poured out on the cross, I have been transformed and set free from sexual bondage (though not from its temptations - but keep reading!) (I Cor 10:13)

This may be a hard thing for you to understand, so I'll try again. For the past six years I have allowed God to fight my battles with same-sex temptation. As a result I no longer have sexual relationships with men. Instead, I have great friendships with men -- as well as a tremendous feeling of integrity I never had before. With God and my brothers at my side I am confident in my ability to resist temptation. Though those temptations have greatly diminished, I am mindful of when Jesus was tempted and faced the temptation, the devil departed for a more opportune time. I think when we've had major sin battles in our lives we remain susceptible to temptation in those areas, and are wise to stand our guard.

So, am I "cured"? (That's always what people want to know! The recurring question makes me tired, even as I understand their need to ask) YES - because I am now able to make and keep promises about my behavior I could never begin to keep before. Think of it as an alcoholic who hasn't had a drink in six years. Could he drink? Yes. Would it be profitable for him? No. And, does he understand that? YES! Perhaps you have some temptation in your own life that re-occurs but no longer owns you?

In the course of my journey I've had to re-examine many things. I wrote the following for those of you who may suspect or hear the actual words from a friend -- "I'm gay" -- whether or not that announcement is accompanied by their desire to change. It is not a battle they can, or should, fight alone. But neither can you fight it FOR them. I am fortunate to have many friends loving me, praying for me, and supporting me as I have "fought the good fight".

I call this:

WHAT IF SOMEONE I LOVE TELLS ME THEY'RE GAY?

1. Shouldn't you "LOVE THE SINNER, HATE THE SIN?" Actually this doesn't work for same-sex-attracted people. We don't distinguish between the activity and our identity (it's why we self-identify as gay). When we hear "hate the SIN", we also hear "hate the SIN-NER". So, for now, just stop at "Love the Sinner". God doesn't require us to be cleaned up to come to him, anyway. Cleaning up is a life-long process for all. Instead of judging, try to understand how very fragile we are. (James 4:12)

2. DON'T ACT SHOCKED OR SURPRISED. Don't dwell on how this affects you -- your pain, your hopes, your dreams -- at least for this moment. We have likely been carrying this alone for many years and it takes an incredible amount of courage to open up to you. Don't be one more person who lets us down.

3. LISTEN, DON'T TALK -- except to "mirror" back what we've said to show you heard us, or to ask questions about our life & journey. "I'm sorry", is a good response if we shared pain in our story. "I love you" is great. Ask permission to hug us, we can use a hug! (By the way, it isn't catching -- a hug doesn't make you gay <grin> - sharing God's love can actually be a great vaccination!)

4. INVITE AS MUCH DETAIL AS YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE. This has been bottled in us for so long, it is a relief to allow it to spill out to a safe person. Don't act shocked because you think you are "supposed" to. But don't take on more than you can handle, either - at least at first. "I don't need all the detail" is OK - but do encourage us to convey our feelings. If you can take the details, even better, but pray that your minds be shielded throughout the disclosure.

5. IF WE WERE MOLESTED, realize you are not equipped to deal with the strong feelings and repercussions it causes. Even with significant healing, it is something that will affect the rest of my life.

6. ASSURE ME OF YOUR LOVE - And, this is a big one - whether change is desired or not. Let God be the guide, you be the companion.

7. BRING UP THE SUBJECT AGAIN after a few days. Ask questions like, "Tell me again how you felt . . . ." To hear my story and never again mention it conveys a feeling of shame that may actually increase my feelings of isolation, condemnation and rejection. If I have a spouse, talk and pray about it with both of us together -- for silence communicates shame to my spouse. In the silence my spouse hears a deafening "this is too shameful to talk about." Your loving interaction reduces that feeling of shame in both of us.

8. PRAY, DON'T COUNSEL! You don't have to have answers for me. Pray for me -- for God's illumination, for God's strength. And pray God will give you the strength to remain loving and supportive, yet firm in your convictions, as you yourself are being challenged and stretched.

9. BE OPEN AND HONEST ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE. No one's life is perfect! Likely you have things you've never told another human being. Here's your own best chance to grow! Same-sex-attracted people are notoriously non-judgmental. After all, God has a plan for you in this disclosure, too, and your weakness will inspire me as much as your strength will support. Ask me to pray for you!

10. REALIZE IT'S OK TO LAUGH! This isn't so serious that God can't handle it. Personally, I think God has a playful sense of humor or He'd never have invented sex in the first place! We'll need to laugh, together, to get through this.

11. CALL ME UP. Go do ordinary, fun, things that don't focus on THIS. But be sensitive - wholesome is better than places that might make my struggle harder.

12. I MAY BE HYPERSENSITIVE for a while, until I can come to trust you with this information. I may expect rejection, and you may not even realize you have stepped on me. If you think I'm feeling rejected, re-assure me of your love and support -- as opposed to getting angry at my misinterpretation of your actions.

13. THE WORLD IS NOT NECESSARILY GOING TO CO-OPERATE WITH MY HEALING. But you can make a difference! When the funny gay joke is told, it's OK to not laugh and address the pain it might cause in someone. When your kids say "That's Gay", it's OK to correct their thinking. In fact, if God has brought me to you with this disclosure, I believe God requires it of you as a vehicle for your own growth. You can influence where perhaps I dare not yet. (Ecc 4:12)

14. Ask GOD TO LET YOU WALK A BIT IN MY SHOES - to understand how it might feel to:

a. Be in a crowd of Christians who use the word "gay" with contempt,
b. Hear constant rude remarks about gays at work, school or home
c. Hear "funny" jokes or stories about gays
d. See people imitating effeminate men or masculine women for a laugh
e. Hear macho men make threats about queers or fags
f. Hear gay lobbyists or actors proclaim gays cannot change
g. Hear some evangelists proclaim "God hates fags" and "turn or burn"
h. Hear well-meaning Christians with no clue as to how deeply this goes advise "just say no" or "just pray harder"
i. Watch Churches welcome the young man and woman living together, while pulling in the welcome mat for gays

To a same-sex attracted person, there are countless daily reminders of their diminished worth in the eyes of society. How would you feel? Better yet, how can you help?

15. DON'T LET ME BURN YOU OUT. You have no idea the time and energy I have put into this battle. A small fraction of it may overwhelm you. I actually lost a good friend who was my lifeline in the early days - I was just too intense, focused on my recovery. Set good boundaries for your friendship, and trust God to be there when you can't.
16. REALIZE THE MODERN GAY AGENDA was born out of individuals' need to re-establish their worth in a society obsessed with taking it away. Should we fight it with words? Hardly! They are better equipped, better funded, and totally focused on this issue. We must realize they are not our enemy - that God loves them every bit as much as He does us. I think it was Abe Lincoln who was told he must conquer his enemies, and he replied, "Isn't that what I do when I make them my friends"? (Eph 6:12)

And lastly, remember, God is in control. He had a plan in the things that happened to me, and again in bringing you together with me as relative or friend. I am reminded of the story of the blind man in John 9: 1 - 3. Verse 4 gives us our charge.

Good luck, and God bless! If you stay the course, you will find your own wealth of reward in the journey. (James 1;12)

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