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Commencement
by Michelle Ferguson
On
May 4, 2002 I graduated from Fresno Pacific University.
Looking back over the last four years, I am amazed at
how much my life has changed. Because I’ve been
a student for most of my life, I tend to categorize
my life by school years. I don’t remember much
of elementary school. Junior high was the period of
rebelliousness. During these two years I admitted to
myself that I had homosexual feelings. High school was
the time of new faith: I became a Christian when I was
15 and struggled with how that fit with my homosexuality.
College has been the time of walking out of homosexuality.
And now I’ve faced graduation: commencement. Another
beginning.
August
1998 I moved into my dorm room at a Christian liberal
arts college. I had visions of leading Bible studies
and making the Dean’s List. This was the place
I was going to make a difference for Christ, a place
where I could grow in my faith. I thought my homosexual
attractions had been taken care of. Sure I felt them
every once in a while, but compared to the way it had
been my freshman year of high school, they seemed a
thing of the past. I had been the leader of the Christian
club on my high school campus for three years; of course
I was “over” my struggle with homosexuality.
I was determined; will power was all I needed. It seemed
to have worked because as I began my freshman year of
college, homosexuality was that thing in my past I was
not going to bring with me to this new time and place
in my life.
Within
a month I found myself in an emotionally dependent relationship
with one of my roommates. Shortly after that our relationship
became sexual; despite attempts at ending the sexual
part of our relationship, we did not walk away from
that until the end of the school year. During the summer
we told our Resident Director about our relationship
and said that we wanted help changing it. I did not
want to continue falling sexually, but throughout the
school year it seemed almost impossible to resist. Summer
break was our chance to start over. After the school
got involved, we told our parents about what had happened.
By the end of the summer I transferred to another school.
My
first year at Fresno Pacific forced me to deal with
my sexuality. I had spent 8 months diving into sexual
immorality, and I had no idea how to pick up the pieces
and move on. I felt alone. I felt like a failure. However,
I knew that God had something better for me and I was
determined to find freedom from homosexuality. I fervently
read my Bible, journeyed and prayed. I begged God not
to turn away from me, but to remain faithful. He did
just that. He provided me with three friendships that
allowed me the first steps out of sexual brokenness.
These girls were true friends: I could talk honestly,
trust them, and learn from their examples. I began to
learn what it meant to separate my idea of a friend
from my idea of a lover. I struggled to keep myself
on the right path, but it is evident to me that God
was directing my steps. I am forever indebted to those
girls and the way God used them.
By the time my junior year rolled around, I had new
challenges before me. My faith was tested. I had been
free from the sexual relationship of my freshman year
for a year. I had learned something about healthily
forming same-sex friendships. In the fall I got the
crazy idea to look into spending a month of my next
summer break volunteering with an ex-gay ministry. I
was entirely resistant to this idea at first, but the
Holy Spirit continued to prompt me in that direction.
So, I e-mailed different ministries around the country
and got in contact with Exchange Ministries in Orlando,
FL. Alan Chambers was the director. He was a big part
of testing my faith. There were dozens of times when
I wanted to cancel those plans, but I knew I had to
go. Not only did God test my faith by opening this door
for ministry, but He also tested me relationally. I
had been praying about whether or not I would ever be
able to truly be attracted to and love a man. A week
after I had surrendered that question in prayer, I met
the man that helped answer that question for me. I fell
in love. Though the relationship ended after six months,
I was incredibly encouraged. I knew that that type of
relationship was a possibility in my future, but was
shown that it was not the right time. During this year
I started an accountability group with 7 other girls.
We called ourselves "On Belay," a rock-climbing
term describing our relationship with one another and
with God: we harnessed ourselves individually to one
another in support, and we also depended on God to secure
our climb. I experienced deeper same-sex friendships
and the affirmation and exhortation that come with having
godly friends. This group was pivotal: I needed to pursue
further healing, and the only way to do that was to
step out and explore these relationships.
My
junior year also tested my pride. I began feeling very
good about where I was at in my struggle with homosexuality.
In my mind I am sure I believed I was over it, that
I had “arrived.” I had been making so much
progress that I felt like nothing could shake me. And,
as we humans tend to do, when I began to feel proud
I assumed I was self-sufficient and started to slip
in my relationship with God. I talked about God, led
Bible studies and was a student leader, but I slowly
fell away from the passionate pursuit of God I had thrown
myself into the year before. This left me vulnerable
and unaware of my weak spots. By the end of the school
year I found myself in a place I thought I would never
be in again: I was face to face with another sexual
temptation. The last week of school I was so confused.
I was headed to Orlando, yet I had flirted with another
homosexual encounter. Thankfully, because of the growth
I had experienced, I was able to pick up and move on
quickly. I spent the summer working for Exchange and
continued in my healing process. I will never forget
what Alan told me when I confessed what had happened.
He told me that it was a good thing that I had learned
the lesson of my vulnerability, and that I needed to
remember that I was not the person I used to be. Making
a mistake did not mean I had to start all over. He showed
me grace and encouraged me to push ahead.
My
senior year, I continued to grow in relationships. I
confessed my mistakes to On Belay and my campus pastor,
with whom I had been meeting regularly since I started
at Fresno Pacific. They all affirmed me and I learned
a greater level of accountability through that experience.
I became aware of the boundaries that need to be in
place, and of the triggers and things that make me vulnerable.
I was able to compensate when I became tired or vulnerable
so that I did not stray in my relationships. I also
learned to be aware of the function of different relationships
and not to expect all things from one relationship.
God also blessed me with some very special friendships
in which I was able to experience genuine intimacy.
My best friend and I do not try and extract everything
we can from each other, but work toward mutual edification.
We work for the good of the other. We learn from one
another and do not draw on one another for ultimate
comfort, but understand that we are to point each other
towards the fulfillment God gives. That is such a place
of freedom. Granted, it has not been easy. It is never
easy surrendering self-centeredness for the commitment
to love your neighbor. It is never easy to accept correction
from another. It is never easy to confront your friend.
It is not always easy to allow someone else to see your
limitations and weaknesses. Honesty, however, reaps
the blessing of healthy relationship, and I am experiencing
the goodness of being created for unity with the body
of Christ.
In
May I received my degrees. Looking back on the many
lessons learned and experiences had, I feel a sense
of accomplishment and complete thankfulness for God’s
hand on my life. I could never have taken one step without
Him. Without Him I would still be stuck in the sexual
mess of my freshman year. But that is not where I am
now. A friend said, “Now you have a forward purpose
that governs what you do with how the past makes you
feel.” Graduation was commencement. I have not
arrived at a point in my healing where I am safe to
stop or where I can take control of my life. Spiritual
maturity is not gaining the ability to handle things
on your own; it is measured by the humility one displays
by becoming more dependent on God and the guidance of
the Holy Spirit. May 4th was the close of a certain
place in my life, yet it was also the beginning of so
many more things God has for me to learn and apply.
Every step I take does not mark an end, but a commencement.
God yearns to take me so much further.
Additional
Information:
Copyright @ 2002, Michelle Ferguson. Michelle works
for Exodus International and is the Update newsletter
editor.
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