God
Didn't Make a Mistake
by Luanna Hansberger
I prayed every night for years that God would
correct the terrible mistake He had made: "God,
please make me a boy."
Most of the people who knew me when I was growing
up would probably have a hard time believing what
my life was like during my twenties, when I became
involved in the seemingly hopeless morass of a lesbian
relationship.
In my early years I felt abandoned by the most important
man in my life. My mother was divorced when I was
four and I have very few memories of my biological
father.
One memory I do have still leaves a little ache.
I don't know how old I was, but I remember learning
to "sort of" whistle and being very proud,
I waited by the screen door for "him"
to come home so I could demonstrate my new talent.
I actually can't remember who I was expecting- probably
my father, or my uncle who was living with us-but
he never came. I just stood by the door waiting
and waiting as it grew dark.
I really believed that somehow my parents' divorce
was my fault; that if I had been the son my father
wanted he would not have left. I knew at a very
young age that the only name chosen prior to my
birth had been a boy's name.
When I was six, my mother remarried and I was legally
adopted by her new husband. When I say "Dad",
he is the one I mean.
We packed up and moved to New England, where my
mother's family lived. I tried hard to be the son
that I thought all fathers wanted.
I was an only child until the age of twelve, when
we adopted a two year old girl. Mom talked about
adopting another child, and I expressed my own interest
in having a brother. It was a real blow when Dad
said no, he didn't want any sons, only his girls.
I had spent six years trying to be the son he didn't
want. At the time it felt like a personal rejection.
My identity was pretty well set by then. I didn't
care what my father said, I wanted to be a boy.
I believed in an all powerful God, and from the
age of eight. I prayed every night for years that
God would correct the terrible mistake He had made:
"God, please make me a boy".
In adolescence, sexual fantasies began. Very comfortable
in my assumed male identity, I was always a man
and my partner was always a woman.
In junior high school I found a book about a man
who had a sex change operation, and learned that
such a thing was a medical possibility. That thought
stayed in the back of my mind for years.
During my freshman year at college, my roommate
and I hit it off right away and an emotional dependency
quickly developed. Early in our sophomore year we
became involved in a physical relationship. Oddly,
this was the first time lever accepted myself as
a female. I knew I could not have such a relationship
with this woman if I were a man.
During college, I adopted very masculine mannerisms
and dress. Occasionally this behavior got me into
interesting predicaments.
For example, one December I was traveling by Greyhound
bus from my parents' home back to college. In the
Memphis, Tennessee bus station I almost received
a police escort out of the ladies' room when another
woman mistook me for a man. At the time that seemed
like quite an accomplishment, and my lover and I
used to chuckle about it.
We lived together for six years. Toward the end
of that time our relationship really went downhill.
I would frequently sleep on a bed roll on the floor
in her room because she didn't want me to be in
bed with her, but I wanted to be close to her.
I was extremely immature, preferring to spend the
morning in bed if my lover had a late class. I kept
getting fired and my lover was more and more frustrated
with my inability to keep a job.
When I lost the last one, I was afraid to tell her.
So I would leave in the morning, pretending to go
to work. I couldn't keep up with the bills and began
to write bad
checks, thinking I would get the money somehow.
When I didn't get another job. I began to forge
checks on my lover's bank account.
Eventually I was unable to keep up with the bad
checks and in December 1977 I was arrested. I spent
ten days in jail, including Christmas and New Year's.
While I was in jail, my lover discovered the check
forgeries, but didn't press charges, believing I
was in enough trouble already. My parents bailed
me out and paid back the money I had stolen from
my lover. I was given a six month probated sentence.
Soon my lover finished her graduate degree and moved
to another part of the country. Although I then
had a good job, I still hadn't learned my lesson,
as I was just waiting for her to settle down so
I could join her.
That's when the Lord stepped in. My lover became
a Christian during her training period with her
company. When she told me, I was immediately jealous
of God. I knew that if she really meant it, we couldn't
continue in our old relationship.
I had always owned a Bible and my lover used to
question why I bothered with it. Now that she professed
to truly believe in it, I wondered what I had missed.
I began to study the Bible and to pray. After having
the opportunity to spend some time with the person
who had witnessed to my lover, I committed my life
to the Lord in September 1978.
Immediately Satan began throwing problems at me.
My new neighbors were a lesbian couple who figured
out I was gay, but they thought I hadn't realized
it. They decided to "help" me discover
the truth.
The Lord mercifully intervened each time I planned
to do something with them, although I didn't thank
Him at the time.
I also began to establish contact with some of Dad's
relatives. My cousin was in college about 80 miles
away. I had been ignoring her for about a year because
I knew she was a Christian.
Now I couldn't wait to visit her. I was accepted
by her friends at the Christian college she attended.
I dared not tell any of them about my past. It was
my first taste of Christian fellowship, and that
was really important with the temptation of my neighbors
so close hand.
In spite of fellowship with my cousin and involvement
in a good church, I was being drawn more and more
into the activities of my neighbors and their friends.
Then I lost my job (this time through no fault of
my own) and moved back to my parents' house halfway
across the country. Six months of unemployment were
used by the Lord as a time of spiritual growth for
me. Then, following His leading, I joined the U.S.
Army.
In the service, I found a wonderful fellowship of
believers-many of whom opened their homes to me
as a single soldier. The love and concern of my
Christian friends helped me through many periods
of loneliness, but there was still the black shadow
of my past with all its hurts and unhealed areas.
Although I was free from sexual involvement with
anyone, there were still temptations and sexual
fantasies. In my loneliest moments I would call
my ex-lover which would inevitably lead to sexual
fantasy. I was
afraid to share with anyone, but knew I must find
someone with whom I could talk. I called out to
the Lord repeatedly to give me someone to talk to,
and finally He did-several people. There was a single
woman from the barracks where I lived, and three
married couples. Each of these people ministered
to me in a special way.
The single woman was simply a close friend. One
of the couples listened and asked penetrating questions
which caused me to look at myself and my actions
from a new perspective. Another couple became my
clothing "advisors", helping me to select
a feminine wardrobe. The third couple was silently
accepting, letting me talk and being a great prayer
support.
My friends encouraged me to contact Regeneration,
a local ministry which reaches out to those seeking
a way out of homosexuality. Thus, in January 1981,
the healing process was accelerated.
When I first came to the ministry I was extremely
shy and introverted. I bounced back and forth between
a masculine and a feminine identity.
One week I finally got up enough nerve to wear a
dress to the group meeting. I couldn't handle the
reaction from people, so the next week I was back
in my shell-with blue jeans and flannel shirts.
Slowly that changed as I gained self-confidence
and as people around me helped me to grow into womanhood.
Others in the ministry were also growing and changing,
and it helped to have someone with whom to share
the change process.
I gradually cut back on my calls to my ex-lover,
as the Lord uprooted that emotional dependency.
We are still in contact with each other as Christian
sisters, but it was several years before we could
meet face to face without great emotional upheaval.
The friends I first shared with continue to be a
great help and support for me. That support has
carried on literally from around the world as they
have moved about with the military.
At the end of March 1985, I got out of the Army
to go to work for Regeneration. During the time
since entering full time Christian service, I can
really see the changes the Lord has made in me.
Through Him I can now not only accept, but rejoice
in, my femininity. I am now joyfully preparing for
marriage.
I praise the Lord for the work He has done in my
life. When I was born female, God didn't make a
mistake!
Luanna
lives with her husband and children in Baltimore.
Distributed by Love in Action, P.O. Box 753307,
Memphis, TN 38775-3307; 901/542-0250.
Adapted by permission from a handout published by
Regeneration, P.O. Box 9830, Baltimore, MD 27284.
